"The Smurfs" - Pre-Review for 29July2011

Oddly enough it seems I get a bit more traffic doing movie pre-reviews than I do on some of my rants and observations over social injustice. So between what appears to be drunken outrages of blood lust and total anarchy I suppose I could throw in a few lighthearted insights as to what I “think” is going to happen with a few of Hollywood's hopeful prospects for upcoming opening weekends in the coming months.

Up for grabs in the my cross hairs is a seminal fluid favorite for kids called “The Smurfs”. It's due out 29July2011. The date alone should be a flag alone as to what may be up with this movie. If your not accustomed to what I'm talking about take a quick look at my last blog, it'll give you a quick history about what summer movie date jockeying and your wallet have in common.

The movie stars Neil Patrick Harris as Patrick Winslow, Jayma Mays as Grace Winslow and Hank Azaria as Gargamel the looser warlock enemy of the Smurfs who is on the constant constipated hunt to make a Smurf pie out of the little blue bastards in hopes of living forever.

Riding out the rest of the cats is a cavalcade of stars doing the voice-overs for the characters of each individual Smurf. Such as Jeff Foxworthy for Handy Smurf, George Lopez for Grouchy Smurf and the hottest Katy Perry for the coveted roll of Smurfette; to name just a few. [and 'no', I'm not Russell Brandt... that lucky fuck... he's young, rich & skinny. I'm old & broke down]

The Story in a Nutshell as I got it from the trailer: Apparently the fully animated realm just wasn't a good enough chasm for this group of gnomes to disappear into from the hate fest of Tipper Gore's “kill everything good & fun about animation” days of the 80s. You know, the dark ages of animation where everything stood and blinked for 30 minutes between over modulated commercials of toys & breakfast cereal of the exact same cartoon you were watching? Where NO ONE got hurt, god fucking forbid the mere mention of impending death be a subtle undertone much less an outright mention. Yeah, that part of the 80s... So, anyway, Gargamel fucks up, opens a portal into downtown Manhattan (Central Park actually) sucking his ass and a handful of Smurfs into our time & space, then the hilarious hijinks ensue!

Give me a moment while I clean the hurl out of my keyboard... fuck it... I keep spares...

Well, apparently some dumb ass kid from that generation thought that running around uttering “Smurf” as a hidden adjective or replacement for an action verb was better than the lack of intelligence for not learning his/her vocabulary lessons during grade school.  Hence,  idiot grew up, knew his dad had a barn out back and thought it would be a great idea for doing a comeback film for the new millennium starring these dead festering polyps.

This is going to shock the shit out of a few of you folks (the ones that have been reading my stuff), but with the proper amount of Dilaudid, a liberal (OH, so liberal) PG rating, damned as I will probably be... This movie “MIGHT”... and now “I'm” the one who's being liberal with the “might” here.. the movie “MIGHT” make something of itself.

Here's why I think it “MIGHT” work: As I have indicated from my other pre-review, I only have the trailer to go from. I'm not a Hollywood insider. I don't get the big bucks (any actually) & only but a few of you folks give two shits as to what I think, for the moment. But from the storyline alone, the movie already indicates that it has a propensity to make fun of its roots already.

One... the little blue bastards are annoying. I mean it. They would be cute if they'd help someone and then leave it the fuck alone, but they don't. Do you really want someone's help if they are going to be annoying about it? That would be like the doctor cleaning out an abscessed boil and then telling you all about the procedure while singing the most syrupy cute children's song as he's doing it. You don't fucking need the play by play! Smurfs.

So annoying in fact are these little bastards that when they do become victims, do we really care?  I didn't.  Hell I was thinking up much better shit to destroy the little blue abominations than Gargamel could have done passing through "The Lawnmower Man" years at a whack.

Two... the redundant use of the word “Smurf” as any form of exclamation. A colonoscopy and endoscopy exam without anesthesia & having it telivised is almost preferable to more than 10 minutes of this fucking “smurf the smurfing smurf head...”

How it comes back to me... the news reports of outraged parents & teachers groups wanting to smack the shit out of their kids and the fecal producers of the original cartoon that managed to coax said children into repeatedly substituting “smurf” as though it an acceptable part of the English language. 

"Smurf", as part of the inbred, love fest, comunal colony name, fine, I'll allow it. As a smarmy little 'shoe in' like they did with “frack” for the “Battlestar Galactica” series? 

Sure, we all know what they were doing. It was cute. Another, “How do we say it without saying it”, tee hee giggle. Or even allow “smurf” one use, as a holiday special; for the entire season. BOOM!!! DONE!!! 

Smurfs Family Reunion Show, they use "Smurf" instead of "Fuck", the kids celebrate in a hands across the world union. Teething rings, underpants, sippy cups & hotel keys flying through the air; the damn show is a success, but no... it has to get vomotinous. Some asshole (once again) “thinks” it's cute and shit kids want to wear it out till it's no longer fun for anybody to ride.  Like all shit kid drugs, the joke or game is over... but they just keep trying to ride that damned dead horse to get the same laugh or "feel good" out of the experience.  It's a shitty part of life & whoever did the original cartoon couldn't let go of the fucking gag either. Dennis Leary already did a beautiful stand up routine with regards to this so there's no reason for me to redo it, but if you're not familiar I HIGHLY recommend looking that up as well.

Getting back to the movie that will be...  My hopes are that the movie script calls for a REAL quick kick to the balls on Killing off of the "Smurf"-itis for this one! If they go into one of those “join us” love fest Smurf-up special, shit deals I feel an uncontrollable case of Sony Pictures entertainment imposed anorexia thrown on me. There's nothing I hate more than, “It's a shit kid heaven” ending to a movie. Happy endings are fine... “shit kid saves the world”? As Jack Nicholson said, “I'd rather stick needles in my eyes...”  Although, the repeated "Smurf"-out shit most likely will kill the movie for me - that doesn't mean it's a killer for the movie.  I just REALLY had to bitch about the "Smurfing" thing (& NO, I wasn't making a funny there either).

Neil Patrick Harris will do a fine job selling it as a facetious, initially unwilling aid the Smurf's plight to get back to their blue fuckvilla & other than his desire to getting back into the movie circuit, the possibly huge pay check or a combination of the both, I'm not exactly sure what the draw to this script for him was.

That also plays as discerning factor into why I feel that this movie may actually work. Hank Azaria has been a great character actor for eons, so pulling down a part like this was possibly a no brainer for him, but for Neil, there in lies the mystery. Being that his physical comedy is not his strongest selling point, it is his subtly that brings his current audiences running.

Will this movie be box office gold? Probably not. I'm not the slightest bit excited to see this movie and thank god my kids are old enough to see their own shit on their own nickel. As far as I'm concerned, Hollywierd won't see this as a semi-golden shower either (good, I got a dick joke in there), but it definitely isn't going to leave them with blue balls either (AND 2 for 2).

Hows that for short & sweet?

Well... it is for me anyway...