Friday, April 29, 2011

Stones Man!!! It's the Stones!!!

I have turned into the very, exact same old fat bastard I used to make fun of when I was in college and now I'm paying dearly for it.

Other than the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Nazis, these mother fuckers in a couple far European countries that the Freedom of Information Act won't release for some time yet, and this one vacuum cleaner that I could never avoid the Christmas tree lights with, I would never, ever in my darkest dreams, ever wish a kidney stone on another human being. 

Wait, I take that back... pedophiles, rapists and a couple different models of this one coffee table, but other than that... Nobody!!!

Strait, gay, black, white, red, polka dotted, western, heavy metal, floral, print, Barney, t-rex, Rainbow Six or Rainbow Coalition you get struck by one of these gyotdamn things and you go down like a sack of squalling shit. No two ways about it. I don't even care if you're being interrogated by the worlds worst. Even if they have a gun to your head and they are about to pull the trigger, my little experience would probably tell them to pull the damn thing and end the misery.

The pain? As the commercial says, “It's that good.”

I “KNOW” pain. Been around it so long I no longer have to get it a gift for the the holidays. There's no prenuptial; As far as I'm concerned the shit can pack it's bag and fuck-off any time it feels like it. Of course I'll be losing something, but like a dutiful lad, I can & will 'take it' and live: gladly.

But this... kidney, stone thing. I've never... NEVER had the displeasure of having to deal with such a thing before. What it takes away you never realize you had to begin with. It's like being drug before the “Crossroads”.   It strips away a part of your soul, but you weren't there to gamble with anything to begin with.

For those who don't don't know what passing a kidney stone is like, allow to me blather with a pitiful attempt to share...

UGLY DEFINITION - Basically over a given amount of time you grow a rock in your kidney. Dependent on the myriad of chemistry given your body and different medical make-up Quick link, your body deposits these 'harder' chemicals into a general local until they basically make a stone. Kind of like an oyster would do in making a pearl from a grain of sand. Except the oyster doesn't seem to mind. The human condition however... if your “lucky”, your body will expel the 'stone' while it is in a 'smaller' state and you'll never know it. Just merrily pissing your way through life.

Some of us, be it medication, change in diet, age (the list get's stupid, long, complicated... you get the idea) one of these things might cause the 'thing' to stick to the wall of the kidney, drop to the bottom like sediment or plain hang around in the kidney for it's own selfish reasons. It's when one of these stones gets to be about 2mm or bigger when you'll want to pop smoke and call for the Med-Evac... you & your kidneys just made royal fuck-cakes for the wedding...

My call for the misery meat wagon was a 3.5mm. Male – female. Go ahead, pull the gender card on this one. None of you are safe on this one. Everyone I encountered has concurred in telling me that passing one of these is akin to pushing a baby out of your system.

Really? Really... No shit!?! Then gyotdamnit I want to see a rock big enough to kill a yack that wanders into my front yard!!! NOBODY deserves to go through that much shit for something no bigger than the last decision it took to piss away billions in bail out money to Wall Street with no accountability.  I can't even shoot that rock out of a kid's toy!!!

Manly men. Stand butch and think of all your knuckle dragging stories involving injury. I'm sure serious loss of body can account better than this story and doesn't even belong here.  So you guys don't get to bring that killer whale steak to the table and stroke your balls over that one... you know the ones...  I lost a leg stepping on a land mine... got blown in half...  We know guys, those experiences win!  Obviously, those rendered you into a state of blinding euphoric pain that current synthetic pain killers couldn't touch.  That's why they have to put some folks into a coma for a few weeks, to get it under control.  

I'm talking about the borderline pain to psychotic episode stuff where you think the doctors might have had a few classes involving the Marque de Saude as the guest instructor.

I'm talking about the shit that you barely hobbled away from. I'll even count the ones where you got your feet, they put the gurney under you and then you passed out for your entry into the “super balls” play off as your intro into the “you don't know pain” sweepstakes.

Personally, having experienced & witnessed more than I care to admit, I haven't met an individual YET that will say any other experience trumps that of passing a kidney stone. To this date.

To date myself (yet again & even more) and yet quoting another commercial, “Um, it's by Tutsie Roll...”

Yet dime store detective novel horror adjective run-on sentences still evade the proper device needed to explain the terror to an individual that has indeed never indulged the privilege of this divine experience. [this is called sarcasm for those that don't catch it]

Some women would love to take a dudes member through the back of his legs and super-glue it to his forehead for a couple of hours to share the 'miracle' of childbirth with her. This being said, my 'miracle' has been shared & like you, myself & 6 billion others are not special either... so we move on.

Getting back to guys, juvenile as women would like to promote us to be, we do try to understand our crippled brothers. Society is so quick to scream racism, prejudice, anti-whatever you want that we are going to cave in ourselves – yet, “guys” will box one another in the nuts just to experiment in the crippling affects, for no more repercussions than the payment of beer & pizza and the illustrious “bragging rights”; ever crippling as those may be as well.

Nazi Germany killed 6 million for their tainted results; bitches as the public may be & contradictory to morals, but aligned to ethics.  They brought world economies to devastation, untold death count to combatants and other innocents, while setting other precedents economically, morally/ethically into chaos that will never be straitened out for remaining generations.

Backyard 'rasslin' raced spinal cord & brain research forward at least five years alone for the price of 12 cases of Keystone and 6 Papa John's and by whom? By a bunch of “guys" that a multitude of you folks out there will refer to in the privacy of your darkened rooms as retards. Remember, I won't tell anyone. I can't hear you. I just have a good idea what you're thinking.

No, you're not Nazis, so don't take the piss & start the "legal lottery" war machine grinding away thinking your going to retire at the age of 14 cause you can't get a hard-on cause the bad man on the internet "insinuated" something.  I am saying that for a microcosm your thoughts of the morons jumping off their roofs onto the backs of their drunken buddies left you thinking of other human beings in just as morally/ethically depraved manner as those of the Nazi regime.  Don't let it bother you...  I did it too.

What does this have to do with kidney health and that of passing a kidney stone Russ!?!

Apparently the pain involved with discarding the stone isn't the stone moving through the small tube (known as the ureter) leading to the bladder, but the actual tube itself having a hissy over the stone not moving fast enough.  Like you having a hissy over the last statement in the paragraph above?...  That's the ureter with the stone...

The best example I can come up with is to think of it as your 6 year old kid kicking the back of my seat at the theater of an “R” rated movie; he shouldn't be there, doesn't want to be there and is annoying the shit out of everyone around him. The biggest meanest, most aggravated individual that he shouldn't be pissing off that he is actually hurting “IS” me!!!

Now envision me trying to reach around and throttle the living shit out of him, but I can't reach his ass. I'm going to throw him out! He want's his momma to save his whiny ass, but he's also getting more pissy & whiny that his folks also won't kiss his ass to take him out of of the theater either; so he just keeps kicking the seat harder & harder.

He kicks so hard that he bends me over in pain to where I can't grab his ass, but all that does is slow him down for a little while. When I catch my breath after a while, I try to grab his ass again and the scenario starts all over. That's when the hospital comes to the rescue and MY good friend Mr. Dilaudid comes to visit. At least that was what had to happen in my case.

Now Mr. Dilaudid didn't get rid of your annoying kid, but I sure as hell didn't care that he was there any more and I at least got through the rest of the fucking movie. For those of you that took offense, make sure you got the offense right... I called your kid an annoying piss granule.

Me?  Well, it appears that the 3.5mm was just the tip of the iceberg. All the haters out there can have a laugh at my expense if you wish (I’m a big boy & have a gratuitous callous on my ass; yeah, I “can” take it), but it appears I can pave a driveway with all the gravel in my kidneys right now. How the hell this happened I don't know, but I can guarantee you one thing...

My days of being a cordial & considerate patient are over.

Stay tuned folks, you think bitching is for the un-attuned? The misinformed blathering morons who just don't know how to take control of their lives? I say bullshit!

Somewhere, somebody will listen and heed. Not act in violence, but in “Common Sense” & cram the 'play on words' and spin/lie games up the ass of the establishment that has taken control over descent folks.

Or we can just let shit keep going down the same shit smeared hallways that we have always been and let these words keep echoing the same way as they have from others. I'm no Socrates or Ernest Hemingway by any stretch, but I'm no Charles Manson or lecherous bomber either.

1 comment:

  1. Being new to your blog and having gone through the kidney stone experience twice, all I have to say is Fucking A man, those fucking things give a whole new meaning to pain. I was in a serious motorcycle crash, broke half my face, both wrists and hands, had over 300 stitches in my face and I would rather have the pain from that than another fucking kidney stone !!!